often when asked, “ how many children i have?” or “do i want children?” or “ do i think i will have ever have children?” i remember.
when i say, “i want a baby.” or “i am too old now to have a baby.” i remember.
when i do not finish/see it through/claim it… i remember.
from time to time i wrestle with having had
two abortions and not being haunted with thoughts of going to hell for having done so. because i am not haunted with thoughts of going to hell for having had not one abortion, but two abortions, i am able to believe i really did/do believe that it is a woman’s right to choose and that includes me. i made a choice because i had a choice. at the time i truly believed i was free in making my choice. the choice was mine but freedom was not.
it has occurred to me that the abortions have not haunted me in such ways that i was led to believe, such as i am going to hell, because i did not love myself or want very many parts of myself then. i aborted what i did not want to see. an unpretty me. a not good enough me. an unvloved me. an undervalued me. an undernourished me. a not smart enough me. an already too big me. an in debt me. a not where i want to be or thought i would be me. a screwed up me.
those two men might have been right not to want any part of me; hell, i did not want me . i did not choose me. i chose not to carry anymore of me than necessary. what i was already carrying of me was heavy and suffocating and scary and blinding and binding. back then, i even felt my parents and my siblings did not like me. how were they going to like my child? forget about love. i was trying to be likeable and then perhaps even loveable.
since then i have aborted other things in my life. i have some things i need to finish or take off the list. i have some things to let go of forever, once and for all, never to be a beast of burden again. i have some things to do.
writing and composing my thoughts is at the top of my list. writing and composing my thoughts and feelings if no more than in my journal, is a life force i will not abort. every time you say you should write i will reply, “i do.” “i am.”