10 whole years

it has been ten whole years since i last sat in that chair in janice’s office. after five years of intense mental health counseling, we determined i was able to manage my life using all that i had learned and leaving behind all that i had let go of, made meaning of and that which was not going to be resolved/fixed/made better. since leaving janice’s amazing care and consideration for who i was, who was inside of me waiting to be free and becoming free i have done well. i have done well because i tell the truth. i don’t fuck with people who do not affirm me or simply put do not like me. i have boundaries for others and myself. i show people how treat me. how you treat me is a non-negotiable. in my early years of life people did whatever they felt like doing. a promise i make to myself everyday is that i will not abandon me. i am here for me however that looks. you should hear me throughout the day asking myself, “are you showing up for sharlimar?” or telling myself, “sharlimar needs you.”

janice helped me to know that nothing was wrong with me. i needed healing, forgiveness of self, and an increase in serotonin. what a difference all three made in my life. for nearly 15 years i have been taking what i call my “happy pills.” everyday i seek God’s forgiveness and forgiveness from myself for myself and others. i exercise, read, cook, bake and sleep for healing.

these past couple of weeks i have been weepy and not sure why. so i stop trying to figure out the reason or reasons why and i just let the tears flow. today it occurred to me that i am somewhat depressed. as i have shared before, depression can be gradual then sudden. today when the tears started flowing for no apparent reason, i let them flow again. i also for some reason thought, “girl it has been ten years since you sat in that chair in janice’s office.” good people here is what i know. i am woman who is in her right mind most days. i am what crazy/depressed/OCD looks like on an ordinary day. i am what brilliance, intelligence, assertive and serious look like on an ordinary day. i like and love myself. if it were not for janice, meds, genuine love, framily and God i would not know that there is nothing wrong me even when i shed tears and do not know why. i am well. this far by faith and two happy pills everyday. be good to yourself.

love yoursel“In this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. They don’t love your eyes; they’d just as soon pick em out. No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face ’cause they don’t love that either. You got to love it, you! And no, they ain’t in love with your mouth. Yonder, out there, they will see it broken and break it again. What you say out of it they will not heed. What you scream from it they do not hear. What you put into it to nourish your body they will snatch away and give you leavins instead. No, they don’t love your mouth. You got to love it. This is flesh I’m talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved. Feet that need to rest and to dance; backs that need support; shoulders that need arms, strong arms I’m telling you. And O my people, out yonder, hear me, they do not love your neck unnoosed and straight. So love your neck; put a hand on it, grace it, stroke it and hold it up. and all your inside parts that they’d just as soon slop for hogs, you got to love them. The dark, dark liver–love it, love it and the beat and beating heart, love that too. More than eyes or feet. More than lungs that have yet to draw free air. More than your life-holding womb and your life-giving private parts, hear me now, love your heart. For this is the prize.”  Toni Morrison, Beloved