i am one of the many faces of depression. depression can take a hold on periods of my life. though i take medication, i still have depressive episodes. the major benefit of the medication for me is darkness is not a daily circumstance. with medication i know the depressive episodes will eventually pass. i use to suffer from depression and anxiety; now i live with depression and anxiety. medication, five years of therapy, family, friends, God’s love, grace and mercy keep me above the line most days. i refer to my meds as the “happy pills.”
there are different levels/types of depression. depression does not look or feel exactly the same for individuals living and or suffering from depression. i am sharing just a recent journal entry to give a glimpse of what i feel and think during an episode. this episode was mild and lasted about ten days.
i have been in my bed for days. i only get up to go to the bathroom and to get more water. i have taken refuge in my bed. my bed and pillows give me comfort and peace. i sleep and i sleep. i do not answer the phone. i do not answer text messages. i do not have the strength or desire to a damn thing other than sleep. sleep is so good. sleep stops time, stops my thinking, my worrying, my crying, my anxiety, and most important the heavy daunting despair. i have not showered in two days. i did brush my teeth and wash my face.
i do not want to hear their worry. they always ask, “do you know why you are depressed?” or “what do you think triggered this episode?” usually, i do not know right away what the issue or trigger is. most importantly, i am not interested in sharing any of it. i know folk mean well. thank you. however, the best thing you can do for me right now is to let me lay here in my bed. you can leave a text or a message. i will call you back and or respond when i am able.
sleeping is the best i could do. i do not have energy for talking or engaging. i do not want to go outside. i just want to lay here in my bed. i am trying to be here for me.
my depression starts gradually and then boom it is in full effect. once i admit to myself that i am depressed, things start to shift. i tell my depression she matters. i welcome my depression to share time and space with me. i tell her i will not fight against her any longer or push her away for another time; instead, i invite her to talk to me. i inform my depression that she matters, that i see her and that i feel her. doing so has allowed me be fully present and caring. this time i did not need to call my doc. sleep and acceptance pulled me back closer to the light. i know the depression has passed because my lips are beginning to peel. (my lips peel whenever i have a breakthrough.)