how did we start talking/dating?

there is no one to call and no one is calling me

i lay here hoping you will ease my discomfort

hoping you will quiet the silence that causes my ears to ring

hoping you will cause someone to call or text so that i may break away from this state

to be brought into the day by the sound of someone’s voice

to be connected…plugged in

and if no one is going to call or text i lay here hoping your presence will be enough

 

i lay in my bed hoping to stop time

hoping to stop wanting a him

hoping i can bear another day of just me, myself and i

if i lay here not moving  going in and out of sleep perhaps i am not losing

holding myself up in my bedroom in my bed ensures no rejection or disappointment

nothing and loneliness are better than lies…better than temporary

and the reality that i am alone today just like i was yesterday

 

how did we start talking/dating?

because i wanted more than they can give more than they have

because i thought if i was good to you and followed  your rules incomplete things would become complete

because i needed dreams and hopes to become

because i wanted to feel less and be more

because  i thought you would rescue me from me and them and me

because i wanted you to get rid of the shame of not finishing

i wanted you to give me a him

i wanted you to fix my money

i wanted you to make me better

i wanted you to show them i belonged to you

i wanted joy, love, forgiveness

i thought if i praised you and prayed my dreams and prayers would become reality