solodynamite

April 28, 2014 · 2:49 pm

real talk ….girlfriends

a good girlfriend says, “sounds like a yeast infection. you should get that checked out.”

later on when you bring it back up saying, “girl, i had more than a yeast infection.”

girlfriend says, “yeah, i thought it sounded like more than a yeast infection, but didn’t want to say for sure.”

Translation…”bitch your ass been fucking and you know you got something that needs more than my professional opinion. your ass need a prescription.

how did we start talking/dating?

there is no one to call and no one is calling me

i lay here hoping you will ease my discomfort

hoping you will quiet the silence that causes my ears to ring

hoping you will cause someone to call or text so that i may break away from this state

to be brought into the day by the sound of someone’s voice

to be connected…plugged in

and if no one is going to call or text i lay here hoping your presence will be enough

i lay in my bed hoping to stop time

hoping to stop wanting a him

hoping i can bear another day of just me, myself and i

if i lay here not moving going in and out of sleep perhaps i am not losing

holding myself up in my bedroom in my bed ensures no rejection or disappointment

nothing and loneliness are better than lies…better than temporary

and the reality that i am alone today just like i was yesterday

how did we start talking/dating?

because i wanted more than they can give more than they have

because i thought if i was good to you and followed your rules incomplete things would become complete

because i needed dreams and hopes to become

because i wanted to feel less and be more

because i thought you would rescue me from me and them and me

because i wanted you to get rid of the shame of not finishing

i wanted you to give me a him

i wanted you to fix my money

i wanted you to make me better

i wanted you to show them i belonged to you

i wanted joy, love, forgiveness

i thought if i praised you and prayed my dreams and prayers would become reality

depression is greater than being sad or having a bad day

i am one of the many faces of depression. depression can take a hold on periods of my life. though i take medication, i still have depressive episodes. the major benefit of the medication for me is darkness is not a daily circumstance. with medication i know the depressive episodes will eventually pass. i use to suffer from depression and anxiety; now i live with depression and anxiety. medication, five years of therapy, family, friends, God’s love, grace and mercy keep me above the line most days. i refer to my meds as the “happy pills.”

there are different levels/types of depression. depression does not look or feel exactly the same for individuals living and or suffering from depression. i am sharing just a recent journal entry to give a glimpse of what i feel and think during an episode. this episode was mild and lasted about ten days.

October 2013

i have been in my bed for days. i only get up to go to the bathroom and to get more water. i have taken refuge in my bed. my bed and pillows give me comfort and peace. i sleep and i sleep. i do not answer the phone. i do not answer text messages. i do not have the strength or desire to a damn thing other than sleep. sleep is so good. sleep stops time, stops my thinking, my worrying, my crying, my anxiety, and most important the heavy daunting despair. i have not showered in two days. i did brush my teeth and wash my face.

i do not want to hear their worry. they always ask, “do you know why you are depressed?” or “what do you think triggered this episode?” usually, i do not know right away what the issue or trigger is. most importantly, i am not interested in sharing any of it. i know folk mean well. thank you. however, the best thing you can do for me right now is to let me lay here in my bed. you can leave a text or a message. i will call you back and or respond when i am able.

sleeping is the best i could do. i do not have energy for talking or engaging. i do not want to go outside. i just want to lay here in my bed. i am trying to be here for me.

my depression starts gradually and then boom it is in full effect. once i admit to myself that i am depressed, things start to shift. i tell my depression she matters. i welcome my depression to share time and space with me. i tell her i will not fight against her any longer or push her away for another time; instead, i invite her to talk to me. i inform my depression that she matters, that i see her and that i feel her. doing so has allowed me be fully present and caring. this time i did not need to call my doc. sleep and acceptance pulled me back closer to the light. i know the depression has passed because my lips are beginning to peel. (my lips peel whenever i have a breakthrough.)