Tag Archives: loss

Trying to…

so why am i posting my business? i am posting my business because this is the kind of stuff/stress many people are living with everyday, even if they are employed. i am posting this because there is power in telling the story as it is and now as it was. i am resisting shame and embarrassment. i am saying to others you are not alone. i am saying sharlimar today you showed up and God showed off. i am saying thank you to my friends and family. i am saying thank you to so many many women whose shoulders i stand and whose backs have formed a bridge for me to cross over. life is hard. living this life of mine is a struggle and testimony to the Great I Am. today i got up and kept  moving. trying my best not to let fear, anxiety and terror consume my every breath, movement and thought.  

so often we tell people “don’t nobody want to hear that.” or “why is everything always so depressing with you.” or “why you being a downer.” or “girl just suck it up.” or “it will get better.”  i do not want to be the one people see as a downer or always got something wrong. i want people to see what ish looks and sounds like on an ordinary day. it/she can look magnificently beautiful, yet be feeling awful and filled with what if.

it burns me up when something tragic happens to someone and we say “we had no idea.” we had no idea because we silence people. we tell people some things are not okay to share publicly. we tell people either be happy and smile or shut the fuck up, all the way up. we determine what is legitimate suffering and discontentment. thankfully, we also get to decide to just listen and to say “i hear you and your suffering matters.” those words right there make a difference. we in that moment have given a person permission and space to be whole…to be honest.

the purpose of my public confession, if you will, is not for money, pity, or attention. first, i write these things in my journal with no intention of publicly sharing. then, sometimes, i release my writings for public consumption because i feel strongly it is what i am suppose to do. it is my job. the topics i speak to in my writings are common struggles of common everyday ordinary people. i attempt to use my journal writing as a voice for others. all that i ask of you, if anything, is to be kind, present, and truthful.

 

Trying to…

trying to rise above the terror of not knowing and or not believing that i am going to make it through this moment with my dignity intact… with this roof over my head… with car insurance…with phone service…with love and understanding… with all the things that make it appear i am not a loser or that i am fucked.

trying to is hard because the reality of losing my home my peace is devastating. this is a mean world to try to live in to try to stay in. i keep thinking that people and companies/corporations will be kinder and gentler  since on a large-scale so many people are unemployed and or barely making a living wage. instead, i receive threatening letters and phone calls that cause further paralysis.  instead, some of my family and friends quit me. instead, i am forced into bullshit payment arrangements that i  will not be able to honor because i have no income coming in, but i agree to the terms with hopes that just maybe i will have found work by the time the first payment is due and at least for now the phone calls will stop.

trying to explain i do not have a job; i have been unemployed for a year;  i have been looking for work for six months;  and i got nothing…zero dollars.  why can’t you pretend  you  understand?   why can’t you put this shit on hold because i am having a hard time right now.  the internal pressure in my head causes me to feel like my head is going to explode.  i am struggling.

trying to today.  i am living with the fear that i will be evicted. this time i do not have money for a storage unit. this time i do not know where i can go; i do not want to go anywhere. i want to live here in my fragile peaceful space with smells i know.  this time cannot become reality . God keep me.

 

Friday, August 29, 2014 i posted on facebook the following as my status. my post was a result of the above journal entries.

some things..some blessings…some miracles are to be shared.

No. 1 – as most of you well know, i have been unemployed for over a year and without unemployment benefits since end of March. in July i began receiving food assistance and two weeks ago medical assistance. i am most grateful for the medical assistance. as i have shared on FB and my blog, i take two pills (happy pills) daily for depression and anxiety. for several months i have not had one of my pills because i could not afford the cost. (senior citizens deal with this all of the time.) on the other hand, i have been taking the generic of the other medication and it is not working. i had to go with the generic because it was what i could afford; however, it is not working and coupled with not having my other medication has caused me to experience intense anxiety. anxiety of the level of sheer terror. i am managing because i have an awesome psychiatrist and a tremendous support system. hopefully, in about another week i will be back on both my medications. however, my psychiatrist has some paper work to do so that i can receive the brand name for both of my drugs. health insurance plans make it nearly impossible to receive the brand name. i am one of those people who do not respond to the generic of my meds. thankfully, my psych is willing to do the extra paper at no extra charge. an important thing to note here is that all of the work required to get the proper medication etc. one needs who lives with depression and anxiety takes supernatural strength. the person feeling like me is more inclined to lay down and quit because she does not have hope or energy. (makes me think about people who are homeless and or live in harsh conditions daily. how do they do it? and when they do not i should not judge. the struggle to get up and keep going is a beast.)

No.2 – i have been on the brink of being evicted several times this summer. a couple of dear friends prevented that from happening. even more important is that i was shown that i can ask friends for help and they will not judge me or think ill of me. people cannot help me if i do not let them know i need help. and most of us will do what we can to help. a couple of weeks ago, i received one of those threatening letters from my rental office that once an eviction notice was put in my door this time i would be evicted even if i paid it in full and that if my rent was late in the future i would be evicted period. i cannot speak to the future but i can tell you this my rent for August got paid before the deadline and part of September’s is paid.

 No. 3 – car insurance. so i was able to get my rent for August paid. i did not know how i would get together the hundreds of dollars for car insurance together too. i have to say but for the grace of God, kindness, and the power of prayer i have every dollar i need to pay my car insurance two days before it is scheduled to be cancelled.

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the struggle is real

 

this week i am inviting you to witness my journal writing live. like hot off the press. instead of writing first in my journal, i am going to write/blog my journal entry.  this morning my mind and heart repeated to me several times to write/process my journal entry for today  right here…live!  so after an hour of checking in with myself and my God, i am doing it…doing it live!

some of you will say i am telling too much of my business. some of you will say be careful what you put out there. some of you will cringe. however, there will be far more who will make room for my truth. i am well aware of what i am doing. i am doing me.

one more thing before i go live. this is journal writing. my thoughts can be dark and hopeless but that does not mean i have given up or that i am suicidal. i am processing. i am being honest. my journal is the one place i can always tell the truth…the whole truth. there is no filter.

May 19, 2014

i prayed last night that i would get up by nine this morning. i did. i am up and i have on my workout attire for that six mile power walk i am going to take in the next couple of hours. it is my hope that today will be better than yesterday. i am desperately looking for work. many of the jobs that interest me i do not qualify. (it seems one needs a degree or certification just to pick boogies.) some days i am discouraged. last week was rough. looking for work is way different than it was 15 years ago or even 10 years ago. so much of it is on line. no two applications are alike. my resume needs a makeover. hell, i need a makeover and a do over.

june 2013 ended 15 years of teaching. my contract was terminated because i did not complete certification requirements in the time given me. it also ended because i had decided i did not want to be a classroom teacher any more. i could not see myself teaching like that for another 15/20 years. i wanted freedom. i did not know what i wanted to do next, just that i wanted out of that tightly sealed box.

i spent june thru november immersed in studying the Word of God. my soul was at ease. i needed every minute of that time. decemeber thru February are a blur. since late February i have looked for work. all that pops up are teaching jobs for which i do not qualify and i honestly do not want.

i become so angry with myself for being so close to finishing my certification but not finishing. how the hell did i spend 15 years teaching and i have nothing to show for it? not a damn thing. twice i started a master’s degree and both times i came so close to the finish line. those credits count for nothing, absolutely nothing in my search for work. every job i look at requires at least a master’s degree. each time i see that a master’s is required for the position i want to crawl under a rock and or kick myself. so much shame and guilt to the point of paralysis some days. going back to finish is not an option. i need income. i do not want to teach per se so why finish the MAT? and the other master’s that was nearly twenty years ago, though that is the one i am still most interested in having. and now the type of career i believe i want requires a master’s in library science. no way i am going to start another program having not finished two others and paying student loans for those incomplete degrees. i am 42 years old just figuring out a career that fits. what if i am wrong? either way i am nowhere.

so i am feeling like i have screwed myself big time. and i have no idea how to see my way to the other side. and do i have time to wrestle with this when bills are past due? i look at my peers and they are achieving and thriving. (not that things are perfect for them but at least they do not seem to be dealing with matters that should have been taken care of years and years ago.) and me i am sitting here stuck. scared. depressed. lonely. uncertain. clueless. knotted. and i sit here trying to process this place i find myself refusing to have a pity party. refusing to die. refusing to lay all the way down. i sit here listening to gospel music to be encouraged. i write to be encouraged…for something to come out of me that will push me to get through the next hour believing God has not and will not forsake me.

dear God be the light for me today. God be my hope. you are in charge. only you can make a way out of no way. thank you for getting me up and dressed this morning. thank you for our relationship. i am going to do my best to be present today believing that you are a way maker. there are more like me and many more who are suffering greater loss. God cover me/them/us in your grace, love and mercy. Amen

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