this week i am inviting you to witness my journal writing live. like hot off the press. instead of writing first in my journal, i am going to write/blog my journal entry. this morning my mind and heart repeated to me several times to write/process my journal entry for today right here…live! so after an hour of checking in with myself and my God, i am doing it…doing it live!
some of you will say i am telling too much of my business. some of you will say be careful what you put out there. some of you will cringe. however, there will be far more who will make room for my truth. i am well aware of what i am doing. i am doing me.
one more thing before i go live. this is journal writing. my thoughts can be dark and hopeless but that does not mean i have given up or that i am suicidal. i am processing. i am being honest. my journal is the one place i can always tell the truth…the whole truth. there is no filter.
May 19, 2014
i prayed last night that i would get up by nine this morning. i did. i am up and i have on my workout attire for that six mile power walk i am going to take in the next couple of hours. it is my hope that today will be better than yesterday. i am desperately looking for work. many of the jobs that interest me i do not qualify. (it seems one needs a degree or certification just to pick boogies.) some days i am discouraged. last week was rough. looking for work is way different than it was 15 years ago or even 10 years ago. so much of it is on line. no two applications are alike. my resume needs a makeover. hell, i need a makeover and a do over.
june 2013 ended 15 years of teaching. my contract was terminated because i did not complete certification requirements in the time given me. it also ended because i had decided i did not want to be a classroom teacher any more. i could not see myself teaching like that for another 15/20 years. i wanted freedom. i did not know what i wanted to do next, just that i wanted out of that tightly sealed box.
i spent june thru november immersed in studying the Word of God. my soul was at ease. i needed every minute of that time. decemeber thru February are a blur. since late February i have looked for work. all that pops up are teaching jobs for which i do not qualify and i honestly do not want.
i become so angry with myself for being so close to finishing my certification but not finishing. how the hell did i spend 15 years teaching and i have nothing to show for it? not a damn thing. twice i started a master’s degree and both times i came so close to the finish line. those credits count for nothing, absolutely nothing in my search for work. every job i look at requires at least a master’s degree. each time i see that a master’s is required for the position i want to crawl under a rock and or kick myself. so much shame and guilt to the point of paralysis some days. going back to finish is not an option. i need income. i do not want to teach per se so why finish the MAT? and the other master’s that was nearly twenty years ago, though that is the one i am still most interested in having. and now the type of career i believe i want requires a master’s in library science. no way i am going to start another program having not finished two others and paying student loans for those incomplete degrees. i am 42 years old just figuring out a career that fits. what if i am wrong? either way i am nowhere.
so i am feeling like i have screwed myself big time. and i have no idea how to see my way to the other side. and do i have time to wrestle with this when bills are past due? i look at my peers and they are achieving and thriving. (not that things are perfect for them but at least they do not seem to be dealing with matters that should have been taken care of years and years ago.) and me i am sitting here stuck. scared. depressed. lonely. uncertain. clueless. knotted. and i sit here trying to process this place i find myself refusing to have a pity party. refusing to die. refusing to lay all the way down. i sit here listening to gospel music to be encouraged. i write to be encouraged…for something to come out of me that will push me to get through the next hour believing God has not and will not forsake me.
dear God be the light for me today. God be my hope. you are in charge. only you can make a way out of no way. thank you for getting me up and dressed this morning. thank you for our relationship. i am going to do my best to be present today believing that you are a way maker. there are more like me and many more who are suffering greater loss. God cover me/them/us in your grace, love and mercy. Amen